I have lived my life in fear that secrets will be revealed. No more
My Christmas went from bad to worse. My friend who was supposed to come for lunch on Christmas Day emailed me to say that she was so worried about Covid that, even though I was taking a test, she wouldn’t sit inside. Let me remind you that I live in North Yorkshire. I had ordered food from Riverford before.
Then the ex, who I was supposed to see in London, texted me to say he just got the callback and wasn’t feeling well. As someone who has always been a rebel, and given that he never goes anywhere, I told him I’m surprised he turned around.
“How did that become a challenge for me? “
‘This is not the case. This is the question of the day. You don’t take public transport. You don’t exercise and you smoke. I’d be more worried about having lung cancer.
When I started this column 22 years ago, I was reluctant and selfish. I wanted readers to like me. To show off: my first column was about buying sequined jeans at Dolce & Gabbana. At first I didn’t write about the fact that I lied about my age. That I had had a breast reduction. I hid my money problems for years. I told my editor that I was going to go bankrupt, but not my readers; I was too ashamed.
But then I thought, well, I shouldn’t write a column unless I tell you the nasty parts too. So I told you I only had £ 3 in my account. I told you I don’t think women should have IVF on the NHS: you’re not sick, you’re just out of luck. I wrote that I was sexually assaulted in elementary school. I wrote about cruelty to animals, which means that my house was shot.
I talked about what it was like to lose everything. I wrote that Gracie my collie destroyed my furniture, bit a walker (who then tried to blackmail me) and killed my cat. Right before Christmas 2021, I revealed that I hadn’t been sober on Christmas for two decades.
I think it’s important that I tell you something else. I have not had a Covid vaccine in any form. I had Covid early on and recovered after two days. If I’m going to be in a room with people, I have a PCR test. I did reserve a vaccine, but that was at the time when I was suffering from severe dizziness. I wasn’t allowed to drive, and the vaccination center was, madly, 20 miles in the middle of the moor. I was terrified of my vertigo attacks and read that the vaccine could make it worse. I also believe that pieces of dirty rags do not prevent transmission. As a deaf person, masks interfere with my hearing – anything near my hearing aids makes them hiss. Masks on others mean I can’t read lips anymore.
I wrote an email to my friend who will no longer be coming for Christmas lunch, saying that she has to live her life, not curl up in fear. Then I deleted it. What she does is up to her.
Then my ex sent me this: ‘Let’s kill all the anti-vaccines. Win-win.’
I said, ‘I haven’t had a vaccine and I’m not going to do it. I am anti-vaccine for me.
We had a fight the last time he came to see me in North Yorkshire. He was unable to complete a short walk with his dog due to what looked like a “slope”.
I had criticized her for continuing to smoke, which means her arteries are narrowed in her legs, making it painful to walk. He was so angry I said he should quit smoking and at least be able to walk he called me the C word and stormed off on a long drive back to London when he was tired.
How is it more responsible than me not to get stung? You can kill someone with your car. You can die of a stroke.
It all makes me wonder how many couples have broken up, friendships broken and jobs lost due to your condition. I have lived my life in fear that secrets will be revealed. No more. No more.
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